Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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