i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Randomize
