I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Randomize
