I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize
