at some point to night u and I have a 'meeting' too...(1-737): I hope so
People in love make me want to vomit
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
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