How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
