overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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