I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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