Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
