i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Randomize
