____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
and you said cock pushups were impossible
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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