Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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