Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
