she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Randomize
