That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Randomize
