You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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