don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
