I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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