So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Randomize
