There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
