So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
