Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
