life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
