I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
