omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I need a burrito and a hug.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize