I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
