the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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