peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
