You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
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