I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
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