mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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