oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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