Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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