guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I could make wine with my vomit
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
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