....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Randomize
