Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
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