Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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