No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
