i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
