rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
