I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Randomize
