Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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