Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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