why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
