he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
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