youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Randomize
