I just pynch a tree in the face
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
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