Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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