My Higher Power is John Stamos
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
