I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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